what does God say about taking matters into your own hands. if you're married and she isn't in the mood and you are a very oversexed man.... can you take care of it yourself. i mean, if you only fantasize about your wife.
i'm not trying to be nasty or a jerk. i really want to know. please don't think i'm being nasty. i used to have porn addiction and i'm faithful to my wife, but have sexual temptations. i feel that if i fix this myself(when wife is not in the mood) i will cut it off at the pass. so to speak. what does God say about this
Post by Mike Miller on Dec 22, 2014 16:33:26 GMT -5
The Bible never addresses masturbation directly. Therefore, I always answer questions like that by saying that we need to consider what the Bible does address directly that informs the issue. For example, we know that entertaining lustful thoughts is a sin, so masturbating while fantasizing about anyone who is not your wife is clearly sinful. But what about if you fantasize about your wife? Let me be clear that thinking of your wife sexually is most certainly not sinful in itself. But let me respond to your question directly to see if I can help.
First, you say that you desire to do this when she "isn't in the mood." That is very general. Is your wife only in the mood once a year? Or is she only in the mood six days a week? If your wife is rarely "in the mood" for sex, I would say that there are larger issues going on. I would ask some probing questions: Do you treat her well? Do you take care of yourself physically (exercise, grooming, keeping clean, etc.) so that you are physically attractive to her? Do you romance her (dating her, complimenting her, flirting with her, etc.)? Are you doing everything you can to make her feel attractive and desirable? Do you communicate with her and spend time with her and help her? Is your sexual activity all about you, or is it mutual? Do you communicate about your sex life? So often, women aren't "in the mood" because their husbands just want to jump in bed and have sex without expending the time and energy loving their wives rightly. If this is the case with you, I would encourage you to devote more time and attention to your wife than you do to yourself.
If you are doing your part and she still doesn't want to have sex often, then perhaps she has some underlying issues. For example, she might have had a previous negative experience. Has she been sexually abused at some point? Or there could be a physical issue affecting her about which she needs to talk to her physician. Is she just exhausted from taking care of small children all day? Maybe she is stressed about something going on in her life right now (family finances, discipline issues with the kids, workplace problems, etc.).
All of this is to say that if she is rarely interested in sex, the problem is likely not just about being "in the mood." If you are isolating yourself and masturbating under these circumstances, then I would imagine your wife would feel pretty dejected. Now, if she is in the mood six days a week (or most of the time), then she is probably quite normal, and you should understand and respect that her desires are not the same as yours. Don't take it personally, as she is just not wired like you are. If this is the case, then I would suggest you need to be able to exercise some self control, not feeling like you have to be satisfied every single time you are in the mood. After all, sexual intimacy is about two people; not just one.
Next, you describe yourself as "a very oversexed man." That is what alarms me most about your question. What do you mean by that? You make it sound as though you have some kind of psycho-sexual dysfunction. If that is the case, then I would advise some personal counseling with a qualified counselor who is Gospel-centered.
Everyone has sexual temptations. That is normal. But we are called to keep those in check. Talk to your pastor or a counselor, as this is either a spiritual or a psychological issue, and there is hope for finding joy in your specific circumstances. And remember that sexual intimacy is relational and not only about satisfying personal desires (though that is certainly part of it as well). We are called to love our wives like Jesus loves the church and gave Himself for her. Put your wife first, and seek to satisfy her emotionally and sexually, then you will find the most fulfillment in your marriage.