Question for you

[hud]

Hello, brother Mike. I have a problem. I was emotionally and physically abused by my father growing up. As a consequence, I grew up trying to fix my broken life and strived to be as independent as possible. Because of this, I am a perfectionist and tend to isolate myself from others. Also, I find that I don't have much of a relationship with God. I guess the idea of a father loving me unconditionally is a foreign concept to me. What advice/information can you give me to help overcome this.

[Mike Miller]

First of all, let me give you some encouragement. Even though I don't know who you are, I imagine it was difficult even to ask this question. Also, I see it as a good thing that you are facing these problems directly and reaching out to find help.

Next, let me tell you how sorry I am. I can't pretend to know how you feel. We all want love from our fathers, and not to receive that must be very painful. I'm sure you have had much difficulty dealing with the abuse even into your adult years. However, I can assure you that there is hope in Jesus Christ. Of course, overcoming these problems might not happen overnight, but Jesus is in the business of healing us and making us whole. Perhaps you have already accepted Christ by faith (because doing so doesn't mean we stop struggling), but if you have not, then I would urge you to turn to Him immediately. Jesus is the only true source of hope and victory. If you would like to talk more about this, you can let me know here or send me a private message.

I can understand that seeing God as a Father who loves you unconditionally is difficult for you. But I can also imagine that when you were a child, you dreamed of the ideal father. You always wanted a father who would love you--a father you could trust. The good news is that God is everything you ever dreamed of. In order to accept that, not just intellectually, but emotionally, I think the best thing to do is to saturate your mind with Scripture. Spend some time reading the Psalms. You will find that some of the Psalms speak of God's love, kindness, and mercy, but some of them express the kinds of struggles and doubts you are having right now. Sometimes the psalmists want to know why God doesn't seem to be near and why He doesn't seem to be loving. It is perfectly ok to wrestle with those things, for when we wrestle with them (instead of ignoring them), we can seek God and find Him.

As for the problems of isolating yourself, on the one hand, I can tell you that you are going to have to take some risks and be willing to be vulnerable. You must lower your guard and let people into your life. Of course, that is much easier said than done. But let me recommend two things. For one thing, I suggest starting with one person. Talk to a spiritually mature person about these things and ask that person to help you. Ask that person to hold you accountable, to pray for you, and to counsel you with some of the most difficult things you deal with. In addition, however, I suggest seeing a counselor. If you will send me a private message, I will be happy to make some recommendations. A licensed and Christ-centered counselor can be a wonderful resource to help you resolve some of these issues.

Please understand that since the problems you are facing are the result of some long-lasting pain, the short answers I have given are only beginning suggestions. We can continue some dialogue here if you like, or we can even meet to go deeper. In the mean time, I will be praying for you (as will the others who read this).