talking to the dead

[taylor510ce]

Mike,

Last year my family suffered the loss of my 13 year old nephew by him taking his own life. The family has struggled with his death throughout the year, and especially my niece, sister, and brother in law.

Concerning me lately is how they have been comforting themselves in his death. I see things like this:

"Don't worry, Troy is watching over us all!"

And, my niece wrote a note on facebook addressed to her little brother, as if he was here.

Is this healthy? Is this even biblical?

[Mike Miller]

Let me answer this on a couple of levels. First, theologically. According to Leviticus 20 and Deuteronomy 18 (and other places), trying to communicate with the dead is expressly forbidden. Mediums and necromancers (those who tried to communicate with the dead) were to be stoned, because such was an abominable pagan practice. This means that trying to conjure departed souls as John Edwards and others do today is a violation of Scripture. In addition, praying to saints or Mary is unbiblical for this reason.

Moreover, Scripture gives no indication that dead people are able to communicate with living people. Those in hell are in hell, and those in heaven are in heaven. Departed souls do not interact with the living. Any such spiritual interaction is demonic in nature. The only examples in Scripture are when Saul tried to conjure the spirit of Samuel through a medium. Samuel showed up, but it so shocked the medium that it is obvious she didn't expect her trickery to work. The medium, then, didn't do it; God did, and he did so to bring a message of condemnation to Saul. Then, at the transfiguration, Moses and Elijah appeared to speak with Jesus. This is not necromancy, as Jesus is Lord of the living and the dead. Simply put, we can't talk to the dead, and they can't talk to us. They also don't "watch over us." Jesus watches over us, but the dead in hell are in anguish, and the dead in heaven are focused on Jesus.

Now, let me answer pastorally. To begin with, when people are grieving, we shouldn't take the things they say too literally. When grieving, we don't think or communicate clearly. We are in a fog, and sometimes some weird stuff comes out of our mouths. I tend to let grieving people talk, and I don't get too worried about what they say initially. Sometimes they say things they don't even believe just because they're trying to find some comfort. Are they misguided? Yes, but as a rule, if their theology is good to begin with, they will come around.

As for talking to the departed loved one, they might not even mean it in a literal sense. For example, maybe a year after my mom died, I was visiting my dad. As we were driving toward the area of the cemetery, he asked me if I would like to visit Mom's grave. I declined as I've never been one to visit graves since my loved one isn't really there. My dad said he understood, and then he told me that he goes to the grave sometimes (I don't know if he still does) and talks to Mom. He said, "Don't worry, son. I know she can't hear me. I'm not literally talking to her, but I miss her, so I go and say things I want to say." In other words, my dad would just go and express stuff, knowing my mom couldn't hear him, but more as a kind of therapeutic healing. Therefore, I don't think my dad was doing something wrong. It was just part of his grieving/healing process. Maybe that's what is going on with your family.

Of course, some people do believe their dead loved ones can hear them and are watching over them. When that is the case, in the midst of grief, I don't try to correct theology right away. However, after a time, if I'm close enough to the person, and if the person is a professing Christian, then I will talk to them gently about it. Also, I don't ever try to convince someone that their loved one is in hell (only God knows about that person's salvation), but I will say that all who have trusted in Christ are free from the worries of this world and are too occupied with the goodness and glory of Jesus to look on us. Furthermore, Jesus is watching over us and is all the comfort and protection we need. To be sure, it's a touchy subject, so we must tread carefully. Just be strong for your family right now, and look for opportunities to talk about Jesus with them.