Married to a non-believer

[To live is to love]

Hello. I am new to this forum, as it was suggested by a close friend of mine. We were having some in depth conversations recently and she thought I should ask your opinion on the matter. I am married and have been for 6 years now. My husband is a non-believer. I knew this before we married, but chose to continue the relationship regardless of his religious views, because I loved him. I choose to pray for him and his salvation, every day. I still pray that God will weigh in on his heart one day. I pray that my husband will open his eyes and believe. I do not force this upon him, as I don't see where that would be helpful or an efficient way to minister to him. We talk about Christianity. I share my thoughts with him and speak of praying often. I try to lead by example. We now have a 2 year old daughter. He has agreed that he wants her raised in church, but he will not admit that he believes in God, himself. He questions everything. He isn't an atheist. He claims to be agnostic. He doesn't know what he believes, because he doesn't have the "proof" he desires. The idea behind "having faith" is obviously so intangible that he doesn't comprehend it well. He's a facts kind of man. He longs for information and diligently watches programs about the Bible, religion and the afterlife. I'm not sure when or why he chose this path. His family is Christian and he was raised in church. I know as a fellow Christian, I am often turned off my organized religion. It's not the idea behind public worship or fellowship that bothers me, often times it's other Christians and their judgmental ways, hypocrisy and lack of knowledge. I often wonder if this was the catalyst for his decision as well. I have an overwhelming peace and calm about my situation, however. My husband is a great man, a great father, a great husband and provider. This is the only thing we disagree on in our relationship and unfortunately, it's a big one. I've always heard that you are not to divorce your spouse because they are an unbeliever. I will not divorce him. I would never divorce him. Something in my heart tells me it's going to be ok; just keep praying for him. Is this all I can do? Is this all I should do? I'm curious what your thoughts on this subject matter are. Am I doing what God wants me to do or am I going about this all wrong?

[Mike Miller]

Thanks for posting this question, as I think many others can benefit from the discussion.

First of all, I do not want to beat up on you for past decisions, but I have to start with something specific in order to give a complete answer. Christians are not to date or marry non-Christians. The Bible is very clear on that (see 2 Corinthians 6:14). That means that if my 21-year-old daughter were even to have a boyfriend who is not a Christian, she would be out of God's will. Obviously difficulties can arise from Christians being married to non-Christians. For example, it would be highly unlikely for the non-Christian spouse to encourage sacrificial giving or spending significant time and money on mission trips. Often, couples in your situation cannot agree on how children should be raised with regard to their belief systems. I'm glad that's not the case for you, but the father's role is to make disciples of his children. He is to be the spiritual leader, teaching the Bible to the family and setting the example of godly living. You also might run into difficulties when you have a teenager who says, "Why do I have to go to church if Dad doesn't?"

More than just the difficulties that arise from a Christian being married to a non-Christian, however, I need to address the very meaning and purpose of marriage and family. According to Ephesians 5:22-33, marriage is a living parable of Jesus and the church. What this means is that the ultimate purpose of marriage is to show the world the relationship Christ has with the church. Through the sacrificial love and service of marriage, the world should see Jesus Christ exalted. The main purpose of marriage is not companionship or romance or love, but the exaltation of Christ. Moreover, as men and women created in the image of God, we are to reflect that image to others in the way we relate to one another. As God has eternally existed in a perfectly happy relationship in the Trinity, in marriage, we reveal the nature of God to others.

The purpose of family, likewise, is not just about having parents and children who love each other, but rather discipleship. Even as far back as Deuteronomy 6, we see that parents are commissioned with making disciples of their children. Men and women are to get married and produce godly offspring in order to win the world for Jesus (see Malachi 2). That can only be fully accomplished in Christian marriages.

Now, like I said, I'm not trying to come down on you for marrying your husband. I just want to give a comprehensive answer, because I find that most people fail to see that the ultimate purpose of marriage and family is the glory of God. Therefore, since you sinned against God by marrying a non-Christian, I think it's important for you to confess that sin to God--to tell Him that you know you have done wrong--and to ask Him to bless your marriage now and win your husband to Jesus.

You see, the Bible is also clear that God hates divorce. You definitely should not divorce your husband, and I'm thankful for your commitment not to do so. This is addressed in 1 Corinthians 7:10-13. But you ask if there is more you should be doing. Consider 1 Peter 3:1-6:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct 3 Do not let your adorning be external-- the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear-- 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

So, what should you be doing? Loving and praying for your husband, obviously. And the way you win him to Jesus is to be the godliest wife possible. Walk with Jesus so closely that your husband sees Jesus in you. Serve your husband, sacrifice for him, and let the Holy Spirit draw him and convict him of his need to be saved. Be a godly woman, and trust the Lord to do what only he can do--save your husband.

[To live is to love]

Thank you for your response. I must admit, after first reading this, I felt quite defensive. I even typed up a long comment defending my marriage to my husband and defending his moral character. He is a good man. To be honest, with respect to worldly values, marriage, parenting, etc....he is the best man I could ever ask for. His spiritual questions and indecisiveness are obviously an issue. So, let me get back to what I was saying. Initially, I was offended by the fact that you told me I was wrong for marrying him, when I had only asked you if there was something else I should be doing as a wife to win my husband's soul. I even started quoting scripture and trying to question everything you had just explained to me, in regards to marrying him. I was focused on the fact that I loved him so much that I felt it justified to marry him, regardless of his beliefs or lack thereof, because God says you are to love everyone as you love yourself. I even thought, "I'm not the one who needs help here! I didn't do anything wrong! I'm trying to help HIM, not me! Why is this guy telling me that I need to confess MY sins?" <---self-righteousness in its finest, I tell ya! Then, I reread your post, this time I had calmed down a bit. You know, people never want to hear that they've done something wrong, especially when they think they haven't. I always thought that you should love someone no matter what they believe. The kind of love they talk about in the Bible, so that set the stage for my marriage. I see how me marrying someone who is atheist or something a little more concrete in their beliefs would be very contradictory to my goal in a marriage. I didn't see that with him though. I just always knew that one day, God would win him over. I'm still waiting, obviously. And maybe that reason is because I didn't recognize my role in this. I still have some questions for you though. The scripture you quoted from Corinthians also states that, "If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband…” So, what does that mean? Sanctified is defined as: to make holy; purify, make legitimate or binding by religious action. So, does this mean that through the marriage, the nonbeliever is made holy? I had heard this before and it confuses me. If we aren't supposed to yoke ourselves to nonbelievers, then why is this verse so contradictory? Maybe I'm understanding it wrong. And how are we ever supposed to witness to nonbelievers if we are supposed to distance ourselves from them? At some point, we all have that moment, where we decide to accept Jesus as our Savior. We were all lost before that. What if those who loved us had distanced themselves from us? Where would we be? Where do we draw the line and how do you know to draw the line? Whether it be in relationships, marriage or friendships.... What's the difference really, when someone's soul is at stake?

[Mike Miller]

Thanks for your honesty and transparency. Let me explain the 1 Corinthians passage as best I can. Remember that this was in the early days of the church. It has always been assumed and commanded that God's people would not marry people of other faiths. However, this passage is primarily referring to people who are married (both spouses non-Christians), and one of the spouses becomes a Christian. Paul is telling that new Christian that even though Christians should not marry non-Christians, once you are married, you should not divorce. It seems that since everyone knew Christians weren't supposed to marry non-Christians, the new Christians wondered if they were supposed to divorce their unbelieving spouses. Paul says, "No. Stay married." However, he continues that if the non-Christian spouse refuses to stay married to the new Christian, then the Christian is free to remarry after the unbeliever leaves. Otherwise, divorced people are not to remarry (except in the case of adultery).

As for the unbelieving spouse being sanctified, the root meaning of sanctified is "set apart." That's what "holy" means literally. Therefore, his point is that in being married to a Christian, a non-Christian is set apart from other unbelievers in that he or she is in contact with and under the influence of the Christian community. In other words, Paul says (my paraphrase), "Don't divorce your non-Christian husband. As long as he is with you, he is under your Christian influence, and he has contact with the entire Christian community. That means that he is more exposed to the Gospel than other people are. He is being set apart (sanctified), which means that this is his best opportunity to come to Jesus."

I'll also say that we are never to distance ourselves from unbelievers. There is a difference between being someone's friend and being someone's spouse, however. The purpose of our friendships with non-Christians is to win them to Jesus. The purpose of marriage and dating is not evangelism. As I said in my original post, the purpose of marriage is the glory of God as two Christians demonstrate to the world the relationship between Jesus and the church. When we marry, we become one flesh. We should have the same goals and priorities in life. As Christians, our priority should be to magnify the glory of God. That is never a non-Christian's priority. Like I said, marriage is not only about love (though love is obviously crucial), but it is about two people joining their lives together so that they can live their lives for the glory of God.

Please know that I never intended to upset you. Lots of people read this discussion board, so when talking about the larger topic of Christians being married to non-Christians, I felt I needed to give a comprehensive response. I'll also tell you that my marriage began outside the will of God. Once my wife and I realized that, we confessed our previous sins to God, and that was a huge step in getting our marriage on track. We now have the best marriage I've ever seen as we both strive to relate to one another out of our understanding of the Gospel. With both of us primarily concerned with the glory of God in our lives, though we are far from perfect, our marriage keeps getting better.

I'm praying for you and your husband. I'm praying that you will live such a godly life in his presence that he will be attracted to Jesus in you. And I'm praying that through your witness and the witness of your Christian friends and church community, God will draw Him to Himself through Jesus. Stay faithful, and don't stop praying.

[Jd]

I have a question regarding the comment posted here. I have an acquaintance who is married to a nonbeliever who is divorcing them. Can you point to the specific passage that states that if a nonbeliever chooses not to stay with their Christian spouse that the Christian is free to remarry? Thank you.

[Mike Miller]

Jd, check out 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, which teaches that if the unbelieving spouse is willing to remain married, then the believer should not divorce him/her. However, verse 15 states that if the unbeliever leaves, then the believer is no longer bound.

[Nadia]

I have stayed married to my unbelieving husband for 38 years now. It has not been easy. I've prayed for God's guidance many times. One of thee verses says, that "For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband. Else your children would be unclean, but now they are holy." (1 Corinthians 7:14)
So I stay with him for my children to be considered holy totally sacrificing my own happiness.
This road is hard and not many people will walk along it.